The Haunted House

The Haunted House (Also known as the Haunted Mansion by some fucking idiots) is a mysterious house that appears every 12th lunar cycle on a Tuesday, with every time inviting random participants from any nearby homeless shelters.

Origins
The Haunted House was actually former "totally not a pervert" Bill Cosby. He bought the mansion back in the 80's, using the money he obtained from his time serving in the Vietnam War as a suicide bomber. After the allegations against him surfaced, Cosby went to prison and went mad. With the help of fellow inmate "Big" and his many "totally not perverts" lawyers, Cosby was able to bribe the supreme court and leave 7 years early from his maximum security prison. Bill, now mad at the world who didn't approve of his "Didling", decided the next course of action was to form a cult. He turned his former home into the Haunted House through multiple sacrifices (using kidnapped women and children) to ancient Pegan gods such as Donkey Kong, the Wario Apparition, and Squidward's Mother. With their combined power, Cosby was able to turn his mansion into an ethereal location, deciding to show up periodically to kidnap the homeless for his arcane rituals (He doesn't show up more often because he's afraid the feds will find his computer hard drive).

Description
The Haunted House is a rather large mansion, with a height that would put Shaq to shame. The Haunted House is often described as a "creature of chaos". As such, the mansion freely change's it's room layout and size constantly, and can freely reappear even amidst burning down. Constants of the mansion are that it always contains a foyer, multiple cultist rooms for Cosby to do the unspeakable, and numerous trap doors and monsters. Other rooms may include kitchens, laboratories, and dining halls with inconspicuous chandeliers.

Pizza Dude
Pizza Dude was an ordinary pizza with sunglasses (which were bought at the local dollar store), who entered the mansion in hopes of finding his younger brother. Fortunately, after he burned Papa John alive, he did. Despite that, Pizza Dude thought that brat was a piece of shit and decided to sacrifice him for a cool gun instead. Pizza Dude later decided that it was a totally safe and rational idea to eat the mask of a deceased Peter Hulk, transforming Pizza Dude into the murderous Pizza Hulk. As the Pizza Hulk, he could create mini-pizza clones, burst through walls, and be a pizza. He was last seen running into the forest, using his cheese arms to grapple the Terminator and fight in the woods. The current whereabouts of Pizza Dude are unknown.

Skull Kid
Skull Kid entered the mansion seeking the legendary Majora's Mask. Cosby had out-bid him at an auction the previous week, and Skull Kid was having none of that shit. After stumbling through the mansion for hours, he found the mask atop the face of the dreaded Peter Hulk, whom he turned into a mask using the Song of Healing. He was then chased out by the then-transformed Pizza Hulk.

Requis
Requis was a humble African-American rapper who wanted to get in the game with a white chick. After turning white (due to a can of white paint), he, with the help of Pizza Dude, built up the courage to decapitate the bitch with a glock. They attempted to turn Requis black again by burning his flesh, but that only turned him into a white skeleton, so this was the only way. Unfortunately for the young rapper, it turned out she was none other than the Terminator. After running away from the robot, Requis entered a rap battle against the Peter Griffin before Pizza Dude decided to just throw burning hot Peperoni slices at him. Requis and Skull Kid escaped the mansion together, but not before the Terminator ambushed them outside the Haunted House. Due to the Pizza Hulk's intervention, however, they both managed to escape.

Sherlock Homes Cheetah
Sherlock Homes Cheetah entered the mansion to solve a mystery, the mystery being "where the fuck is Cosby's super expensive Mario painting?" An incident within the Haunted House involving melting Squidward's mother alive with radioactive waste left him with superpowers (A third arm and radiation poisoning). After buying a spell book from a shadow copy of himself using a jar of cockroaches, he used it to steal the legendary Mario painting from both Bill Cosby and a desperate Waluigi strapped for cash. He then set the mansion on fire and left to cover his trail from Cosby and ensure his escape through the readily available back-door. He then sold the painting to Batman at an auction for 200 million bat dollars.

Mr. Call of Duty Fingers
The toughest gamer around, Mr. Call of Duty Fingers decided to go into the mansion with his trusty Tristana body pillow and AK-47 after finding out that someone had stole his Sailor Moon figure. Much to his horror, he soon discovered that the culprit was none other than Bill Cosby, whom he had previously left for dead in Vietnam during the war. Cosby, who was now immortal due to his satanic ritual workout, was now out for revenge and viscously chased him throughout the mansion. Mr. Call of Duty Fingers, scared for his life, decided to dip out like a pussy after finding the back door.

Waluigi
Waluigi went into the Haunted House seeking an invitation into [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Smash_Bros. Super Smash Bros.] as a playable character, but all he was met with was pain and suffering. After falling upwards through a chimney, receiving severe cuts from a broken window, and listening to a self-playing piano for 6 hours strait, Waluigi found the horror that is Bill Cosby's computer. He then found the legendary Mario painting, which was then stolen from him by Sherlock Homes Cheetah. Waluigi was then forced to run away from Bill Cosby, the Wario Apparition, and the fire which was burning the mansion down. Amidst the chaos, Waluigi managed to sell a burning bag of feces to Sherlock Homes Cheetah's shadow in exchange for a Super Smash Bros. invitation. In a last ditch effort, Waluigi decided to try to use the spell book which Sherlock Homes Cheetah left behind to warp out of the burring mansion. This proved as a fatal mistake, however, as it warped him into an assist trophy, trapping him in a non-playable role for the rest of his cosmic existence.

Commander Pooh Bear
Commander Pooh Bear was another victim of the Haunted House, although details are scarce. It is said by ancient scholars of the year 2014 that he had entered the mansion seeking an ultimate weapon of war Cosby had created, code-named "Metal Gear REX". After playing Super Mario Sunshine for the Nintendo Gamecube, Commander Pooh suffered through thousand of trap doors before confronting Bill and his ultimate weapon. Cosby then proceeded to fling his own shit at JJ, which forced him to resort to a tactical retreat. Afterwards, Cosby sold Metal Gear REX to the Soviets to ensure the plans of the A.S.S.W.H.O.L.E. would go smoothly.

Firby Monster
The Firby Monster was a creature who was beckoned to the Haunted House for reasons unknown. Cosby attempted to use his unnatural powers to make himself double immorality, however Firby disapproved of him. Instead, the Firby Monster cursed the Haunted House, making all of those who entered forever in his distant gauze. The Firby Monster could use such disastrous abilities, like:


 * Climbing up and around walls
 * Telekinesis
 * The ability to properly file taxes
 * Mind Control
 * Astral Projection
 * Murder
 * Earth-bending
 * Staying up past midnight

Papa John
Papa John, having been fired from Paha John's Pizza, wanted revenge on humanity for rejecting his pizza. Demanding that the day of reckoning would soon arrive, he was mocked and ridiculed by the people of the world. Furious, he devised a plan with Bill Cosby, to destroy all of humanity with a giant pizza demon the size of Earth. His plans were cut short by Pizza Dude, who used a gas lantern to burn him alive.

Legacy
The Haunted House will forever go down in history as a mysterious location that Ryan would pester Ethan about all of the time.